The Gift of pain driving me Home.
Tiny fingers wrapped up in softness, clinging as the roll unravels across the room. Mama sits, tears born of infidelity spilling over. And in my two-year-old wisdom I know, when someone cries you comfort. So I hand her the end of the toilet paper. The long streamer of white still attached to the bathroom wall. Unravelled like our life, our family. And the ache is born in my tiny heart.
Two years pass. The same fingers, grown a little longer now, twist and pull at layers of pastel ruffles. Willing them to somehow cover the broken heart inside. Across the street sits a moving truck. Taunting, like a huge skyscraper laying on its side. The man of this little-girl’s heart, leaving for the last time.
I stand silent. There is no sound except for the truck engine running, threatening to leave. NO sound. And there is screaming in my heart. Hysterical pleading. Desperate to stop the shattering in my chest. There is no sound. Only quiet, creeping numbness.
Years pass. The pain of being left-behind festering. Buried deep. Silently slumbering, waiting to breathe. I live searching for love. Seeking to fill the ache. Pieces of shattered glass clenched tight in bleeding hands. I am broken. Broken by a father that didn’t stay. And in desperation I have chosen to be numb. To NOT feel. Anything. To feel nothing.
Broken memories. Pain-filled days. A life lived so tightly it suffocates. There is no joy. Very little laughter. Only the agony of not being enough…
More years, more wounds. And then I am standing in front of a casket. A box holding the loving mother of the man I love, as much as I am capable. My heart, still shattered. The bits of broken glass forcing their way to the surface, pressing through my weeping heart. The pieces of me spilling out onto the floor like a thousand marbles in a silent church. The numbness peeled back. I am raw.
The relationship ends, unable to withstand the crushing weight of death. And I am left with only pain. Wrenching, debilitating pain. The pain that has boiled and burned below the surface is now pushing, forcing its way out. I am agony. I am weeping. I live my life in between the moments of tears. Working, barely eating, and devouring the Word. The Word that has always been a part of my life, but is now all of my life. And there is light in my darkness. Healing in my pain.
That was only the beginning of this journey. The Gift of pain driving me Home.
It continues on still. Half-a-lifetime later, it continues still. The Refining, the Renewing. There is still suffering, still pain. But now there is Freedom. This pain no longer belongs to me and when it is Surrendered it becomes Holy. Filled with Him. And I am free to live Cradled in Grace.
There is still pain. Sometimes its crushing. But I don’t have to carry it alone anymore.
Really, I never did. I just wasn’t willing to let go. Afraid that if I opened my clenched fists my broken heart would bleed to death.
I have learned to Cling. To Surrender the pain. Whether it is born of the heart or the body is not important. It matters only what you do with it. I’m desperate every second to place it in the only Hands capable of carrying it. Healing it.
And now in raw, utter dependence, pain has been made Good.
“The hurt borne in God’s way brings a change of heart to good to regret. But the hurt borne in the world’s way brings death.” 2 Corinthians 7:10
Loxlia Robb @ lovelycrumbs
I am pleased to announce the February/March giveaway.
This contest starts today and the drawing will take place on or around March 23rd. I would like to introduce some of my favorite authors. John Piper, Gary Thomas, & Beth Moore. All have written books the Lord has used to minister, encourage, and teach me throughout times of testing, rest, trials, peace, sorrow and Joy. You can enter multiple time throughout the month, but you can only win one book. To enter each week, share the blogs on Press This, Linked In, FB, Titter and Digg. As you read and enjoy the wisdom and insight from some special guest bloggers come back and mention how you have entered and also what book you would like to have. You only have to mention the book you want one time. Make sure to mention how you have entered each time so I can record each entry. Please leave a link to your blog in your responses if you have written a blog on pain or any other topic you feel is relevant. If you have a story to share, please contact me and we will get you on the schedule to share.
BOOK #1 When the Darkness Will Not Lift: Doing What We Can While We Wait for God–and Joy
“It is utterly crucial that in our darkness we affirm the wise,strong hand of God to hold us, even when we have no strength tohold him.” John Piper
Even the most faithful, focused Christians can encounter periodsof depression and spiritual darkness when joy seems to stay justout of reach. It can happen because of sin, satanic assault,distressing circumstances, or hereditary and other physical causes.In When the Darkness Will Not Lift, John Piper aims togive some comfort and guidance to those experiencing spiritualdarkness.
Readers will gain insight into the physical side of depressionand spiritual darkness, what it means to wait on the Lord in a timeof darkness, how unconfessed sin can clog our joy, and how to minister to others who are living without light. Piper usesreal-life examples and sensitive narrative to show readers abundant reason to hope that God will pull them out of the pit of despairand into the light once again.
BOOK #2 Get Out of That Pit: Straight Talk about God’s Deliverance
From her first breath of fresh air beyond the pit, it has never been enough for Beth Moore to be free. This best-selling author and Bible teacher who has opened the riches of Scripture to millions longs for you to be free as well-to know the Love and Presence that are better than life and the power of God’s Word that defies all darkness.
Beth’s journey out of the pit has been heart-rending. But from this and the poetic expressions of Psalm 40 has come the reward: a new song for her soul, given by her Saviour and offered to you in Get Out of That Pit-friend to friend. This is Beth’s most stirring message yet of the sheer hope, utter deliverance, and complete and glorious freedom of God:
I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit
He set my feet on a rock. He put a new song in my mouth
It is a story, a song-a salvation-that you can know too.
BOOK #3 Authentic Faith: The Power of a Fire-Tested Life
Fortify your commitment to Christ by examining ten ‘authentic’ disciplines God uses to forge a fire-tested faith. What if the spiritual disciplines that bring us closer to God are not the ones we control? Bestselling author Gary Thomas reveals the rich benefits that derive from embracing the harder truths of Scripture. With penetrating insight from Scripture and the Christian classics, along with colorful and engaging stories, this eye-opening look at what it means to be a true disciple of Jesus will encourage you, bolster your faith, and help you rise above shallow attachments to fix your heart on things of eternal worth.